The Ideal Me...

What is my ideal self? Well, I honestly do not know how to answer that question. As I said in my ‘introducing me’ post, I find it very hard to write about myself. Not necessarily because I don’t find myself interesting, but mainly because I fear that how I see myself is so far off from how other people see me that they will think that I am two completely different people. After reading Ebbony’s piece about her ideal self I found it a lot easier to think of myself like she did, in three parts: the past me, the present me, and the future me.

The old version of me is a version that existed long before I came to J. Sarg. It was a version that inhabited my body up until my senior year in high school. That version of me was reserved, and quiet. I always lived in fear of what other people thought of me and how they saw me. That version of me tended to hide away from the world. I spent all my time living in a world of fiction. I spent many an hour in front of the TV watching anything from a show about a group of wild ER doctors just trying to make it from day to day without killing anyone to a show that followed the lives of four unique characters who travelled from planet to planet trying to defeat alien races and save Earth. That ‘me’ did not have social connections, I had friends, but they tended to be people with whom I shared a passion for that fiction world with. Back then, I did not like me. I was not a strong person and I had no self confidence. I got pushed around and walked all over. I was always the person for whom you could turn to for help and advice, but who never turned to anyone for help and advice of my own.

The current me has grown substantially since my senior year. I credit this growth mainly to my yearbook teacher my senior year, Molly Buckley, and the amazing group of friends that I formed that year. Ms. Buckley was one of the teachers that everyone wanted to have. She was loud and funny and made going to class seem like not so much of a bear. She did not care what others thought of her, and it showed. She is probably the most confident person that I have ever met. She taught me that it does not matter what others think of you and what they see in you. What matters is what you see in yourself. Her confidence was contagious and I soon found myself being more proud of myself than I ever had been. When our yearbooks were finally done and we all sat back and marveled at the creation we had produced I felt even better. I saw for the first time in my life just how much I was capable of doing, and that I was capable of doing it well.

My friends also helped to teach me that. I went through a transformation of sorts that summer, and walked away from a very rocky relationship with a very good friend. But I did not let it stop me; instead I used it to my advantage. I set out to show him that it was possible to be happy without him, and that I did not need to rely on him anymore. My friends were there for me every step of the way and instead of letting me walk away and not share my feelings with them like the old me would have done, they pushed and shoved and wouldn’t let go. Even people with whom I had never really talked to before became rocks to me and helped me to grow. The current me is still living in that life. The new me has a new found confidence, one that has only grown since I came to Sarg and made the friends that I have made, and kept the friends that I have kept. I am still shy and timid when it comes to some things, but I know for a fact that I hold my head a whole hell of a lot higher than I used too. I have overcome so many obstacles and have grown because of them. I recently lost my grandmother due to a serious of heart-attacks and strokes that spanned the time frame of six months. As hard as it was to lose her, and to watch as my family struggled to keep it together when the rock that held us up was gone, I learned probably the most important lesson of my life: live each day as though it is your last. I have learned to see the beauty in the little things, and when things bother me, I am now more likely to just walk away and give an issue up than to fight about it. I love more than I ever had, and I make sure that the people that I love know it. The current me has learned to never give up, ever. If my grandmother taught me anything over the 6 months that she was fighting for her life it was that you can never give up. She fought until the day she died to stay with us, and was as stubborn as a bull the entire time.

The future me, well I don’t know what exactly I want the future me to be like. I want to be strong and confident. I want to continue to work hard at everything I do and have the passion for the things that I have passion for now. I hope that the future me holds her head high and never lets anyone bring her down. In the future, I hope to have a good job, somewhere that I will be happy and will love what I do. I hope that in the future I get to continue to help people out, something that I have been passionate about for many years. I want my ideal self to love who I am, and to not be ashamed of the things that I have done and the things that I have been through in order to get to where I am. I want to have a family and friends that will love me and be there for me as they have been throughout the past 19 years of my life. In the future I want me to continue to, well, just be me.